


One of the Basic Skills of Civilization

by Liviania



Category: Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-21 21:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17050760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liviania/pseuds/Liviania
Summary: Dear Miss Manners: Is it acceptable to talk at the dinner table?In fact, it is obligatory, if others are present. Dinner is a social ritual, not just a feeding time. Miss Manners considers that the ability to alternate talking and chewing, without ever mixing the two, is one of the basic skills of civilization.Eddie attempts to civilize the Venom symbiote.





	One of the Basic Skills of Civilization

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Traincat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Traincat/gifts).



Eddie expected many difficulties teaching Venom how to differentiate between good humans and bad humans. He had not anticipated one of those difficulties being running into so many bad ones. He'd survived for decades without needing to contemplate killing anyway, and now all sorts of violent assholes were crawling out of the woodwork. Eddie needed to be sure that Venom kept seeing the balance, the good people and the things they created that made Earth beautiful.

As for the sudden glut of assholes, Eddie blamed the fact that Venom wouldn't shut up. Even if he didn't say something back (which he usually did), he'd pause to listen. And no one assumed that the voice in his head was real. They assumed that Eddie was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and thus easy prey.

Venom thoroughly enjoyed disillusioning them.

Which wouldn't be so bad if Venom didn't continue to talk through the whole process. Venom would bite off a head and dash off a one-liner before he was done chewing. It was enough to put Eddie off both crime fighting and eating. "Don't talk with your mouth full," got him an, "OUR MOUTH, EDDIE." (Venom only accepted Eddie's admonishments not to talk with his mouth full until he did it in front of a car window and ended up with Eddie throwing up all the brains he'd worked so hard to earn.)

Eddie found other rules for Venom to follow. Because if Venom was gonna eat Eddie's organs if they didn't find enough murderous assholes (unlikely at this rate), Eddie needed something, too. However, he needed an authoritative voice if he wanted Venom to listen. Somehow, he seemed to think Eddie never knew what he was talking about.

Being a news man, that something turned out to be Judith Martin.

* * *

_People think, mistakenly, that etiquette means you have to suppress your differences. On the contrary, etiquette is what enables you to deal with them; it gives you a set of rules._

* * *

The book had been Anne's, somehow shuffled into his boxes of books when he moved out. At least, that's what Eddie assumed. Probably something she'd bought to help with the wedding. Eddie certainly hadn't bought it. However it came about, he owned a copy of _Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior_ , and he was absolutely sure he hadn't bought it himself.

When he found the book, it seemed like perfect serendipity. "Hey, Venom, I know you've had to adjust quickly to actually living on Earth. This book is a guide on how to act properly. It will help us blend in."

At first, it did prove surprisingly helpful. Venom's tendency not to listen didn't extend to Judith Martin. (Eddie found himself reading the book to see if he could figure out how she did it, Venom laughing in the back of his head.)

He also found her funnier than Eddie. (He even turned Miss Manners against Eddie once, and told him that she said, "Part of the skill of saying no is to shut up afterward and not babble on, offering material for an argument." Followed by a chuckle and "SHUT UP, EDDIE," and a chase after the guy who thought he could steal Eddie's phone while Eddie was trying to film a stop-and-frisk. At least Eddie got his footage back.)

If Venom was going to trust in Miss Manners' rules for behavior, then both of them would have to study up. Eddie ordered a used copy of _Miss Manners' Basic Training: Eating_ through Powell's, since that seemed the best place to start. ("WHY NOT AMAZON, EDDIE? THEY HAVE FREE TWO-DAY SHIPPING." Eddie wasn't sure how to explain why not Amazon without getting Jeff Bezos eaten. He'd prefer to keep their activities lower profile than that. He did, however, make a note to explain how to ignore ads.)

Eddie honestly wasn't too sure about the whole enterprise when Venom formed one of his fingers into a spoon—an incongruously dainty attempt at developing his own version of Riot's massive weapons—to scoop out a would-be mugger's eye. ("What are you doing?" "SILVERWARE IS IMPORTANT, EDDIE. THIS IS A DESSERT SPOON, WHICH IS SIMILAR TO A SOUP SPOON, BUT NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH A TEA SPOON." "No—" Eddie managed before getting sick all over the side of a dumpster. Turned out that Miss Manners was right about stopping at no, because that argument was effective at convincing Venom to abandon silverware.)

Although Eddie should've been more worried about why Venom requested a Miss Manners book on dating.

* * *

_There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted._

* * *

When Eddie found himself pinned to the wall of his apartment by a variety of tentacles, he ran through a mental checklist of the things he did that he knew Venom hated and drew a blank. "Uh, mate?" he asked, and Venom formed a small body between the tentacles, enough to anchor his usual face.

"EDDIE, MISS MANNERS ADVISES NOT WAITING TO ASK SOMEONE TO DATE, BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT ASK FIRST." Venom's head shot up so that it could leer down at Eddie, his long tongue sliding out from those teeth to lick Eddie from chin to cheek. It was surprisingly not slimy, any wetness staying with the tongue rather than dampening Eddie's cheek. But that was less startling than Venom grinning at him and saying, "WANT TO DATE, EDDIE?"

"Is that how you ask people out on your meteor?"

"WE DO NOT DATE. HUMANS DO. HUMANS DATE FOR ENTERTAINMENT, AFFECTION, AND FOOD. WE HAVE ALL THREE OF THOSE."

Eddie supposed they did.

"WE'D HAVE EVERYTHING, IF ONLY YOU LET ME—"

"No piles of heads or piles of bodies! I want my deposit back on this apartment."

"SEE, EDDIE, I'VE COMPROMISED FOR YOU. I LIKE YOU."

Despite his pursuit of honesty from others, Eddie didn't enjoy being brutally honest with himself. Admitting that he did have affection for Venom would make him feel vulnerable. He wasn't even over Anne; he didn't need a relationship with an alien entity that borrowed his organs and ate people and had a thing for learning rules of human etiquette that most humans didn't care about.

"I CAN HEAR YOU THINKING STUPID THINGS, EDDIE."

Eddie tried to dodge the subject. "Okay, you want to ask me out, so why did you pin me to the wall? That usually means you're upset with me."

"I LIKE THIS POSITION. IT GIVE ME ACCESS."

"What do you think dating is?" Eddie should've remembered to start with clarifying their vocabulary, first. Venom sometimes got the oddest ideas about human things, and then he'd try to blame Eddie for being the source of the misunderstanding.

"I ALREADY SAID. FOOD, ENTERTAINMENT, AFFECTION." A new tentacle grew out from the central body, wrapping around Eddie's waist then flattening itself to slide under the waist of his jeans and cover Eddie's body beneath his waist. It wasn't like when he wore Venom. They were one, then. There was a prickling awareness of being touched, now. "IS THIS NOT AN ENTERTAINING WAY OF EXPRESSING MY AFFECTION?"

The tilt of those flat white eyes was so expressive. He was laughing at Eddie. He was also curling that sheet of black tighter, exploring Eddie's body in a wave. It would be rude not to answer. "It is, yeah. Let's date, if you want to call it that."

**Author's Note:**

>  _Charming villains have always had a decided social advantage over well-meaning people who chew with their mouths open._ \- Judith Martin
> 
> Traincat, thanks for the wonderful prompts. I'm not entirely sure how I leapt from Venom's education in only eating bad people to Miss Manners, but I found the idea too much fun to resist. I hope you enjoyed the result!
> 
> (I went back and forth on Venom's speech being bold or all caps, because I do like it set apart for effect. I settled on all caps because I thought the bold didn't work with all the italics.)


End file.
